In Turning 40...

In turning 40, I feel overwhelmed. I have been coming to terms with a lot in my life. I've been coming to terms with a lot of losses. I am learning to let go of what doesn't feel right anymore to embrace what does. My identity has played a major role in this process, as I've been exploring the un-mundane, the I'm-not-settling-for-less aspects of me.

I'm missing parts of me. My family means the world to me and I don't have them by my side. They were taken from me abruptly and I'm learning to deal with the losses better. I know that my brothers would want me to be happy and strong and not to hide but to live, dare I say, FEARLESSLY. (Note: Not so long ago, a man who left an impact on me said to me "be smart; don't hide---->be yourself." It left an impact because it is exactly what I've been wanting to do, but I was indecisive. I need to embrace all that I am and integrate it with what I want to see in the world, right here, right now. This is decision. Decision is power. At this point in time, I feel exhausted but I am angry too. So I need to be more proactive in my way of dealing with situations that could force me to be out of character.  Patience is a virtue and vice versa and I've learned to remain grounded during some very disturbing times.

These experiences are shaping me as well. There are some horrors that I cannot describe that I have learned to overcome that bring me to be who I am today. In some ways I feel stronger than before, not as vulnerable, inexperienced, raw or weak. In other ways I am learning (to cope with) something new. I want to live and thrive, not just survive. In reclaiming myself and in reclaiming autonomy in my own life, I own up to who I am, to whom I should have been, or could have been long ago, had I opened my eyes, [my I's],  sooner. At 40 -I couldn't believe that I'd make it to 40 years of age around this time last year- I'm happy for having found the strength to keep on keeping on in spite of harrowing circumstances.

For this I thank God, as I am grateful for where I'm at, what I've done and what I have accomplished, for loving my family so much, for good people, and for finding renewed meaning to my life after I lost them. They gave me hope. I love you, Dear Lord, and thanks. :)  Sylvia