"Knowledge of the self is the mother of all knowledge.
So it is incumbent on me to know [my self], to know it
completely, to know its minutiae, its characteristics, its
subtleties, its atoms."--Khalil Gibran
What makes me tick? This is a question that I have needed to come to terms with for years now. I'm always questioning, always curious, always looking. I have been looking over my shoulder constantly for a while and lost track of who I was. I even cut off my long, waist-length hair last year because of my fears. I became used to living on the defensive and began building up walls to forget about my flaws; I felt "safer" (lie?) and more "comfortable" (lie.)
In the process of feeling "safer", I just stopped feeling. I became automated with responses to pain [as in, "I've a high threshold for pain (unfortunately, is what I meant)." I became aloof ("I'm used to it.") Careless, even. I was unforgiving of the wrongs done to me, I think I still am to some degree ("I'm still working on it."---stubborn me.) Anger is what I began to feel after a while, when I "came to," so-to-speak.
I realized - and through the direction of a few kind people - that I needed to deal with myself and face me. I was running all over the place with my head cut off and it finally fell off ("Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!") - snicker, snicker (me, always joking around). I also felt that I needed a safe place where I could fall apart and heal. Healing is the key word here. Communicating and reaching out are how I had (have) to do so.
Introspection takes time. Reflection heals, it's edifying. Not running from my feelings and fears and looking them straight in the I was a wake-up call. And I found a place to be still safely, in the process. It doesn't hurt as much. ("Coward," I just called myself. Wow. I can be pretty hard on myself.) I needed to take control of my life, so I began to nurture myself, my talents (i.e. writing, creativity, speech). I've been nurturing my mind, my body (i.e. healing one's body entails being good to it by properly eating (nutrition), sleeping (seven to eight hours), hygiene (daily showers). I suffered a Metatarsal Fracture on my left foot, left toe two years ago from a hit-and-run (a white van ran into me) and it never fully healed. The left side of my foot is protruding a bit, and I have a difficult time walking on heels. (My left ankle swells up right away.) I massage my foot gently and compassionately at times to give it the love it deserves. "A body is a body is a body, it's just a technicality, I'll recover." This is the chant that I would use to help me feel better about my broken body or body parts and from whatever misery I was put through, "I can handle it." (...) But I realized later how brutal this was to me, as I ignored my frailty to begin with. I'm not superwoman, though, but I am/was (?) proud of standing up for myself and getting back on my feet, pun intended. My literal physical growth is as important as my intellectual growth and I needed to make sure that I took the time to carefully care for my body. "Nurturing, loving care for my bodacious body," I'd started joking, needing to be kind to myself. (smile). I deserve(d) it.
Unbeknownst to me I became raw inside and I wanted to run in the opposite direction at first. Innately at least. "I'm not used to it, I don't like it ," (it hurts). I began to really feel when I began to focus on the real. (ME). Oh My God, it hurt.
...So reflection and introspection are processes that I put myself through, now, conscientiously, every day. Getting in touch with the real me, in spite of my vulnerability and fears, the rawness inside, the frailty of me all. I was able to reach out to people who mattered, people who were humane, loving people, beautiful nurturing people who have been responding back too, in their own manner. They are few. I can count them on one hand.
I used to brag that I could "talk the talk and walk the walk." I still need to complete this dance. Do the fox trot. Just do it. (wink.) That sort of deal. I oftentimes pride myself on taking the bull by the horns but I needed to feel in the process, not just shut myself out with distractions and with jokes too (i.e. kinda-maybe-sorta-but-not-really sort of mentality, ya know? snicker, snicker.)
People. I need to reach out to people. They are a part of who I am and are a part of who I am becoming; it takes two ta tango! (GRIN). People who impart and share, people who do not break down in toxicity claims, people who don't take away, who do not reduce nor detract. In short, people who don't stress me the heck out.
I'm coming to terms with the mundane inside of me. What I have always wanted to do but was "...lost by indecision" in doing so. Right now, I feel vulnerable, but I feel. I feel vulnerable in a good way. I have been able to rest and to nurture myself, and the kindest of friends have helped bring me to this point. I still have fears, mind you, fears that have nothing to do with them. And I did not know that I have them. Writing the fears down and opening up, even to just myself, helps me a great deal. I have a sense of responsibility to lay it out out there, my feelings/insights/knowledge/talents, etc. and to share. I enjoy it, being true to myself. Integrity means a lot to me, so do honesty and ethics. The most difficult part is being honest to one's self. On a consistent basis, not just sporadically. You can't really grow sporadically if you want to be honest with yourself, and this may be a matter of discussion. Relative.
Conversation is what I crave as well. ("I've been praying for intelligent conversation and laughter for years now, so I talk to myself." snicker, snicker.) Letting it out, what I believe, without being too self-centered, too one-sided. A rapport with witty banterers? Dare I ask? :)
I'm conscientious, but I've forgotten my manners in some respects (having two left feet again am I?) I need to work on this. Every day I noticed or will notice things that I need to work on without being too hard on myself, without trying to be too judgmental.
...I'm a work in progress.
Sylvia Lydia Morelos
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