Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Loving Freedom, Loving Life , SYLVIA LYDIA MORELOS
Wednesday, September 21, 2011Loving Freedom, Loving Life
What is freedom? At this point, I don't really know how to answer that. Freedom is a lot of things to many people. I love life, and all that it has to offer. But what if freedom is...curtailed, taken away?
Freedom means a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, it means not having your mind, body, or privacy taken away. To me it means, being able to cry when you need to, because of all the pain that you feel. I believe in freedom. Many people take it for granted, I'm sure. And I, for one, no longer do.
Freedom is having a voice in this society. Freedom is being able to live in this society and live, not just exist or struggle. When there is injustice committed on a human being, when you can't, or are not allowed to live as human being, when you are being abused, debased, dehumanized, in the name of "justice"(?), ...I dunno there's something not quite right with this country.
I am not a violent person. It takes a lot for me to hang onto what I've got, without lashing out in anger because of the pain that I feel and because of the prison that I am in. I've been through a lot, and God only knows that I am alive now, haphazardly standing at times, despite the terror that I have been through and continue experiencing inside and out. Sometimes I am resigned...actually I AM resigned, to this so-called life and I am deeply saddened and pained. I don't think that anyone will ever understand the depth of my pain, or struggle, or when or how it started. Any normal human being would have killed themselves by now. The inhumane torture, the terror and the sick reasoning and "justification" behind it I think only serves to fuel me. I've honestly been humbled by the pain, and God helps me, I think. The rage that I feel is indescribable but normal. And I try not to worry about how it will come out.
I haven't explained my situation, and I can't. I don't know how. But this helps. Writing it out helps. I do not like the "powers that be", as they have too much power to hurt and damage, in the name of their "justice". I'm surrounded by it. I DREAM IT. The nightmares are too much. It's been a long time since I have slept without the nightmares. Intrusive beings. All real. At the rate this is going, it's hard to imagine life as it was. Normal. Straightforward.
I deserve my body, mind, and life back. I haven't had my body and mind to my very self for many years. And it hurts like hell! I hurt NO ONE. And I am not free. Just surviving. Barely. BUt I know what I fight for, I know what I struggle for, I know what this means to *me*. I fight to live and I live to fight and breathe. But in essence, this is not living.
It comes to the point where sometimes people cannot think for themselves. And this is a problem because the "powers that be"...well...they manipulate. And they kill. Whether someone like me kills themselves or end up dying for their freedom, that is murder. No way around it. And that is not something that can be covered up. And that is wrong and reprehensible. It's happening. It's real. There is something wrong with this society. There is something wrong with "the powers that be."
I believe in God, in myself, and in a just society. I believe in the law. But I don't believe in TERRORISM, in any way, shape, or form. I feel and see the undercurrent. This is no way to live. This is NOT being free. This is not justice. And it is not right.
This is not jargon. This is fact. I am writing this as it comes out because of what I am feeling. When this invisible force infiltrates everything around me, about me, down to the very core of my being, when you have no privacy in your home, mind, feelngs, thoughts, body...that is rape. And I've been there. More than you will *ever* know.
The beatings have been brutal. The struggle, barbaric, and the desire to continue fighting for what is right, endless. I have been through a lot. Through hell and back. And it is for a reason that I continue to want to live. Taking away someone's humanity, experimenting on them, raping them, humiliating and debilitating them mentally, emotionally, physically....that is oppression. IT is not supposed to be happening in this country, but it does. And it will be justified, in the name of "justice" or "progress". And that is just wrong. And I think that this is the basis of my struggle.
I cry and it helps sometimes. But I can't rest inside. They infiltrated my mind, my nightmares are endless, and I don't always remember them. And the rage that I feel is unreal. That keeps me going too. I've learned to adapt to the torture, I've become resigned to it. And that is not living, it is not freedom. And it is not justice. I know that I am alive for a reason. It's inherent. It's all that I have. I love life, and I am not giving it up *willingly*. I am not suicidal, and I've been there. I am not homicidal. But if I could wring their necks for what they have done to me, *intrinsically*.
Sometimes I am in shock at what I have overcome. And I fall down and break down, people laughing, pointing,hating. Because of what they have been fed to believe. I don't like mobs, or a mob mentality. And it is instigated by ones who have way too much power. To kill. In their name.
This must be what a war is about. Intrinsically. And this must be what a struggle is about. FOR REAL. I do what I can do defend myself. I know what I've come from and what I've been through. I hurt NO ONE. Just survive. And that is not freedom. That is not justice. And it is certainly not what this country is founded upon.
It's difficult to deal with the...labels. They are difficult to fight. It is difficult to live with the judgments. Because they are not right and they are not FAIR. It's wrong. I am a living, breathing human being, who is fighting for her life. And freedom. It is not fun, nor challenging, nor rewarding. And even those who are so-called professionals, don't know what the HELL they are doing. They get fed too, and they don't think for themselves. They don't VALIDATE when you're telling the truth. And that will kill someone. And that is unfortunate. Another life lost. Because they said so. They claim to help, when they really feel like punching someone. So much for professionals.
I think I'm an idealist. In some respects. I believe that it is not just my struggle. But anger is what drives me. My humanity drives me. The torture drives me. IT is dangerous to let those powers that be invalidate a human being. I am in a lot of pain, and this is where I speak from. It is not right to treat anyone this way. God only knows, what I have been through. The spectacles....the rapes, the lies, the being called a liar when you're not. Dear God, when you shut down a voice that has been through hell...calling it make believe, their pain...I think a great deal about their pain. And the lack of validating when it's REAL, not imagined. Shutting them down causes so much damage. And death.
It's why people kill themselves, assholes. And it is wrong! That is murder.
I'm questioning a lot these days, and I could write forever right now. But I know that I won't. They may not always "let" me. But I am fond of life and God. It is because I appreciate it so much now. It's humbling. But it is painful. I don't deserve this.
I don't know, I guess that I believe in hope. Inherently. People may laugh, I don't care. I'm used to that. They don't matter to me. I do. And those I think I struggle for, inherently. Because knowing that someone can be put down, put through this, knowing that it happens, angers and shocks me. It hurts.
The mob hurts. Society isn't civil any more. Was it ever?
I have so much to say, and don't know how to say it. The pain is there. And it is all real.
I am not free. Haven't been for too many years. And it is not right. And I know that I am not the only one. THey don't just do this once. And that is scary and dangerous. Very dangerous. INHERENTLY.
Sometimes I am at my wit's end. But I don't believe that God does this to me. I feel that I've been given more than I can handle, but I try my best to survive and go through it. It is something new EVERY day. And it is not something that I look forward to. I do not think that I am invincible by any means, but I do realize the depth of the human spirit because of what I have survived. I do count my blessings when I see them, day to day. And that gives me hope. I don't believe in the powers that be. They are not human. I believe in the silent minority. Because they are forced to succumb to them.
This is not right, and this is not of God. NO ONE, deserves to go through this. I know that I could have died by now. (SHOCK) This is prison.
I keep telling myself that I will get my body and mind back one day. I will, so help me God I will. IT's been too long since I have had it to myself. It can be debilitating, as a woman, as an individual, and as a human being. If I let it. I'm fighting for a reason, and I know that there is something out there that can see all of this, from many years back, and see where I am coming from. There has to be. IT can't be all *them*. I don't believe that. Never will. I have hope. Inherent. And I believe in God. I used to be angry at him because of this. From many years back. But I realized that my anger was misplaced and I wouldn't be here without him today. I can't be. The strength is surreal. Breaking down and crying, which I sometimes fight against, is human. I am not a robot. This is not a "challenge". This is my life.
I have a lot to say....and I wish someone could hear me. Because it's been too long and too painful. ANd I need to speak out. The "learned" ones aren't much help. They're so full of themselves it's not even funny.
I can imagine what tomorrow will bring. And I will still fight. No matter how haphazardly. I have my own mind. I am trying to take care of it. I feel for my body. It's been through hell. And I am ENRAGED AT WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO IT.
I have so much to say....so much to prove? (sad). I feel a deep sadness... very deep. Inherent. I've lost a LOT.
And I want to gain it back. What I can.
There is no shame in crying or breaking down. That I realize. I'm human. ANd it does not make me weak. There is strength in weakness. So-called weakness.
I need to stop now. Because I feel like I could write a book right now. I am validating a voice. My own. IT counts. It matters. So help me God.
Posted by sylmor1974
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